What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 00:25
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I think the readers, may guess!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Comes on , in middle age.
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My life is so biszare .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I write beautiful poetry .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Put me off passion for life!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
What did i know ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I will be 64.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im still living with it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We all went to grammer schools
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She married twice! .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
All the time i was locked up.
So whats the point in blame.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So, i spoilt her more .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I couldn’t, believe it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was 9 years of age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i lived it daily.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Would this be the day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was scared of men, in general
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But, we were locked up after school.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She loved him until the end.
She found it foreign!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i do to all so called friends.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is soul school!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I have no regrets .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I don,t even have a pension.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I said to her
One cannot live in the past .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were not on the streets..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was seconnd youngest,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He knew the spot.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it wasn’t much.
Ive learnt so much.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was very sick at this time too.
Who then, do I blame.?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It was going to be , some day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was in good health!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
When she asked me how she looked .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!